obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this was a long one Ok, updating. It’s been too long. I’m not sure why I’ve hit this plateau of not really bothering to update… maybe because with all the stress of school and friends and such I just don’t have the energy. Yea, it’s something like that. School’s over. Oh god I’m scared. It’s only my grade 11 year, but it’s so scary and sad!! We had the year end assembly today and they play a slideshow of all kinds of pictures.. and the right combination of music just… I was almost in tears. I had to stare at a wall and blank everything out to keep myself together. And it’s not even my grade that’s leaving. But I have such pride, such a deep respect and love for my school, that it’s really emotional. It’s amazing really… the feeling the school body invokes in me. And you don’t feel it the rest of the year, just when it’s all suddenly coming to an end… Some of my yearbook signings make me want to cry. They’re so thoughtful, so meaningful. One really threw me for a loop because it was totally uncharacteristic of who wrote it. But it meant so much. Things like “you’re an awesome person, and I mean it from the deepest corner of my heart… (repeated, and then repeated as a p.s.)” (seriously almost made me cry) things like “it’s been an awesome year, the best part is you’re still here … don’t do anything stupid, we love you!” (he’s such a great friend…) things like “you have no idea how special you are, you mean the world to me and don’t forget it. I love you always!” (awwwww Brigitte…..) and things like “I am many things to many people, but let me always be your friend…know I will always be there.” (just… sniff.) I know so many people I am so happy I know. My friends are my entire world. I find them to be the best thing about my life, that’s how wonderful they are. Next year is going to be so hard, grade 12. I won’t be leaving, but so many people will be. This year some of my friends are leaving, others returning, all of them are slightly dazed and confused by the end of school. It’s just so emotional. But moving on before I start crying. I have 2 exams this semester. Math tomorrow afternoon and physics Friday afternoon. I have every intention of being in the school over the next week though. Exam week kicks ass. I have a tent set up in the drama room, which is the back stage in the caf. We set it up today, and the 3 of us (Sam, Chris and I) were lying in it, laughing our heads off…. Yea. This week is going to be amazing. Hopefully graham’s coming on Thursday too, the day neither of us has an exam so we’ll be able to hang around all day. Oh yea. Graham. This is another topic I need to cover. Since we broke up a few months ago things have progressed. At first I was bitter, but through several key conversations and some honesty, our friendship has grown so much stronger than it was at the beginning of this year. I think this year had been characterized by graham. I mean, I knew of the guy, but I really only met him in November. We had an interesting run in at my Halloween party that left a bit of an awkwardness the next morning. But I made the attempt to get to know him which in the end led us to where we are now. The whole year has been this evolving friendship with him, and I think it’s awesome. Right now we’re at an interesting standpoint. I’m not entirely sure what’s going through his head right now… but I know that I suggested making the phrase ‘we’re not going out, we’re just seeing each other” applicable to us, and that he agreed. I know what I want that to imply, but we haven’t had that discussion yet, so I need to make sure we’re on the same page with that. My only fear is that what I want is too much of what we had before in dating and that it won’t work. Because over the last month I have slowly fallen in love with all his little quirks and imperfections. But don’t get me wrong. What I don’t mean by this is that I think he’s my soulmate or something. What I mean is that I love him as much as I love Brigitte or Cheryl. It’s an interesting level of love, more so defined by a combined respect and appeal for him. I think anyways. Something to that effect, tis difficult to explain. What’s most interesting is it’s more than what I felt when we were going out. And he said once that he felt like there was something about him that bothered me, which was part of the reason there was this un-crossable gap between us that he felt which ultimately led to the end of our relationship. (18 days.) but now… like I said. Everything about him seems to contribute to a combined effect that both makes me feel good and worried at the same time. The books he reads, the topics he finds interesting, his spiritual beliefs, his creative talent, his originality, his determination, his attitude towards life and so many other things, his sexuality, the fact that he’s so real, his openness, the way he picks up things about my daily life, the way he understands the way I work for the most part, the way he cares about my well being… all of this and more. And it makes me feel good cause he’s good to think about. I’ve been happier than I have been in a while the past few weeks. this morning I kind of had a realization as I was biking to school, going down this old road that ends in a small grass field and then the highway. At the end of the road you feel like you’re going through this dark green tunnel, the tress just close right in. going through the darkness and you can see the brightness ahead. You may not feel like you’re going to get there, but you can see it. And then you’re out of the trees, in a patch of light that’s not dark but not bright… and finally you are enveloped in the warm sunshine and it seems like everything’s alright. But whats the point you ask? As I took this path I saw it as an analogy to my life recently. The darkness of a few weeks ago was the tunnel of trees; the uncertainty and stress I was engulfed by. And then things got better as I started moving on and shifting my attention graham. And I felt as I hit the sunshine that it represented the positive influence he’s having on me. It was a very sobering thought. But it also worries me. Because we tried dating. It didn’t work. I don’t need to date him… but he’s important to me. And I’m terrified of doing something that will destroy the level of friendship we have right now. I’m afraid I’ll get too attached or something as I seem to do. Which in turn will make him feel uncomfortable, which will lead to him distancing himself from me and the addition of another royally fucked friendship to my scoreboard. I really don’t want that. I’m afraid somehow I’ll do something that will destroy the friendship I want with him. It might be a tricky deal. But there’s one thing I know for sure, and that’s that he’s made my life better through just being who he is. He did not try to, he did not walk into my life with a flashing sign saying ‘smile kay, I’m a good influence and I’ll make everything better’… he just unobtrusively made an impact on me. And I thank him for that. Hopefully this will all work out and we’ll have an awesome summer… But I need to stop typing. I’ve talked more than I have in a while and it’s taken up my entire hour of internet time. Till we meet again, have a good one and keep smiling. 10:10 p.m. - 2004-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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