obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- recap... and then some lets do a recap of what i've been doing seeing as thats all i seem to share. thursday i went to town with april to bayshore. we mall wandered and spent too much money. i bought this funky ful finger ring cause it made me think of graha. if he likes it, he can have it. if not, i've another fun trinket on my shelf. i also found a pair of earring that match the ones i wear all the time perfectly. now i'm considering getting my ears pierced a 3rd time so i can wear all my hoops. 'why would you do that??' my mom asks. 'then you'd look like a punk!' *insert funny wikid grin from my mother here*. yea. it would give that impression, wouldn't it. i like it. i bought buttons. buttons are now one of my current interests. i got 3 of them , as they were 3 for 5. they're all abot the size of a quarter, all black. one says 'i'm not a role model'. it's my favorite. one syas 'linkin park' in the funky gothic font with lots of swirlies.... ooooooh linkin park. the last one is one of those silohetted babes. sexy. at the same store i also picked up a patch to sew on my pants. i love it.. it's the britannia rules symbol from pink floyd's the wall. like... duuuuuuude. i have to get the wall, live in berlin on DVD sometime soon. however, i did get the classic queen CD. last of all i dragged april in LaSenza with me, cause it's one of the girls things i indulge in. they were having a 3 for $10 sale on sexy underwear. spent forever looking through the bins to see of they'd have anything my size that wasn't too skimpy, slutty, or girly. and they did. so i've 3 pairs of nice new sexy black underwear. like i said, i spent too much money. it was a blast though, hanging around with april. she's awesome. friday we just kinda left for london, ontario. spent the day in the van annoyed with everything. i signed onto msn last night and was greeted with 'YOU LEFT!' by tan. sorry, tan, i did. i love having internet access when i'm not at home. i also figured a few things out about myself last night, talking to jason. i told him when i'd woken up that morning i'd realised that of all the people i've liked/dated/persued.... he was the only one who made me feel wanted. he was the one who was coming up with random acts of kindness to show he was thinking of me. (like e-mailing me the song 'you are my sunshine'). he was the one making plans as much as i was. i didn't feel like i was putting every bit of me into it and was getting nothing back. he was the one who kissed me first. and i relaised this.. and was kinda stunned. cause i've figured out that thats what i want most in a relationship.. to feel as if i'm wanted, and not a hindrance. so i had to thank him for it. 'these are the thoughts that go through my head as i try to figure out everything i'm feeling, everything i want, everything that happens to me' i said. and he was astounded.. cause i've never really shared anything about what i'm thinking with him. nothing. he'd ask all the time. 'what are you thinking?' 'nothing.' 'to see, just for a moment, what is going through that constantly brooding mind of yours is amazing.' he said. and that is when it clicked in that i'm an open person in the sense that i'm great fun to be with, i'll roll with a situation or a comment, i'll make entertaining observations. i'm a great listener it seems.... as everyone talks to me. about everything. ('you're amazing. the way you seem to be able to help everyone else through all their problems with hradly asking anything in return'). i have a lot of friends/aquaintances/best friends. but while i share a lot about what HAPPENS in my life... i do not share my THOUGHTS, interestingly enough. and as i look back on it... it's true. i don't. i'm a very reserved person in the fact that i do not want to be noticed for anything i'm doing. i used to hate cutting the grass cause my dad would stand by the door and watch me. i get embarassed incredibly easy, and i don't want people watching me. i do not speak up in class. i do not draw attention to myself. i don't like doing anything where i could potentially be watched, judged. the exception to this are things i've already accomplished. i like attention where i'm recognized for something. i do not like asking questions. if something doesn't have to be said, don't say it. just.. be quiet. observe. like i said.. i've realized i'm seriously reserved as a person inside my head. not necessarily in actions around people, but mentally. and i'm afraid it becomes oppressive to those around me. especially my little sister, who asks too many questions about everything. she has to, she's deaf and just learning about the world around her. she is much more outgoing than i am, and i berate her about it. we clash as personalities because of it. and it's unfortunate. and with this thought comes the subsequent realization that this is why i love my internet so much. my diaryland, my msn. because i feel safe behind the wall that the internet puts between me and whoever i'm talking to. directly or indirectly. anyways, i'm not sure how this realization is going to help me... but i'm gald i have it. figuring out how i work and why is intruiging... and something i need to do, however long it takes me. now i must be off. we're going to a block party in east london. should be great. 12:56 p.m. - 2004-08-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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