obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary

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too much for words.

i've been debating posting this for a few days now. the arguments in my head have been on one hand... it's really quite personal and maybe the one who it's written to wouldn't appreciate it being posted. on the other hand... this diary is my life. and this is a huge part of my life at the very moment. and this diary is mine. so in conclusion... i post.

and with every day that passes i get more and more sure/afraid this really just isn't going to matter to him. i can just picture myself giving this to him and then running away and hiding on another room to wait for him to find me and say 'look, i'm sorry but...' and feel myself die momentarily inside. sigh.

there are 3 possible outcomes to this.

1) it works, he realizes that life happens and that this'll all be for the better.
2) he reads it, sighs, and doesn't change his frame of mind just yet, leaving me waiting who knows how long for him.
3) none of it matters anyways cause i completely missed the point and it's not him, it's me.

anyways.

i think it's really quite beautiful the way this is so random and yet flows so wonderfully... the actual project is written on 57 index cards, generally a paragraph per card..

enjoy.

the beginning
july 22nd/04

this is everything i think i want to say. and theres so much that i know i won't remember it all, and that i'll probably get distracted and leave something out. so this is what i'm going to do instead.

this is something i put together that contains bits and pieces of conversations i've had with myself, with you, and with other people, as well as song lyrics, random quotes and thoughts, all designed to get a point across.

ready? go.

too much alcohol and things that should have been said while sober. maybe then my words would have actually meant something to you. why you insist on degrading yourself i can't fully understand.

ha. yea. i mean... i'll admit. i love the guy. but it's like he's my best friend, right? and we;ve already been down this road. it's not like he's my best friend, and then things get out of hand, we end up screwing and bam, i'm suddenly in love with him. it's different. and i'll love him no matter what.

uve never done it b4 right?
no, but we've had our run ins.
thats it though, like 9/10 girls will fall for their 1st timer
he doesnt get that ur the tenth

it's ridiculous. i've never met someone who i could just sit and watch them, doing whatever, and be completely happy in that moment. who through every moment of his presence i'm in this constant state of stomach doing flunny flip flops, and just wanting to run up to him and hug him. but he pushes me away cause of his wikid mental wars...

[everybody's got demons...he'll push you away so that you can't push him away]

brilliant people often have the most persuasive of demons.

seriously. it's amazing. how he can hurt me by pushing me away, and i'm still amazed with him. how just being himself is desirable.

lying on the road, sobbing, telling me of your lack of will to live.

why do these people all have to think it's in MY best interests if they push me away.

kisses are overrated. relationships suck. gay people are amazing. and i love you.

i am 99% sure i am not going to be with who im with right now the rest of my life, i know that one of us wll get hurt in the end adn maybe both of us, she knows this too, but you have to have fun and enjoy what goes on, like fuck, why the hell is he so fucking dense, godammit. people get hurt, yes it a fact, BUT THEY GET OVER IT.......live life in the fucking present and go with the flow.

exactly! why can't he understand that?

would i have made the effort if i didn't care?

he's amazing. but he thinks he's a horrible person and cares about me enough that he doesn't want to bring me back into his list of people he's fucked around with... because thats a part of him he just casts away. it's like he does it to distract himself from life... and all i want is him.

heh. he last night said he didn't trust me to not try and seduce him while he wa drunk... was vaguely funny. and i was like 'what do you expect me to do? fuck you on the couch while my parents are sleeping upstairs?' and he said something like 'you've come close..' ah ha. the fun comments.

[thats kinda genius]

yea. but see his reasoning is for what he figures is in my best interests. i wish he would stop making decisions for me and let me figure things out for myself.... i feel like frigging MJ... with parker being all like 'i can never be with you cause it would hurt you' except he listened when she told him she was prepared to deal with that

you are the dumbest smart person i have ever met.

and on one hand i want to make him realise i won't be something bad. that he won't fuck up my life. but i'm afriad to push it and lose his friendship.

it's also an issue of the things that have happened, right. he picks up random friends he doesn't really know... and then justs cast them off. but i stuck around. it's part of what he figures makes him evil... that he fucks random people... and then theres me who he actually cares about as a friend...

why can't you realise i love you? why can't you accept that? we are who we are because of our past.... but that doesn't mean you have to condemn yourself to lonliness, screwing people and then casting them off, bitter reminders of all you don't want to be....

you're right, he needs to let you make your own decisions. As long as you both know what you're getting into (whatever that may be) up front, then go for it.

 if it's going to be a one time thing, you need to know that. If it's going to be long term, but with him still fucking around on the side, then you need to know that. If it's going to be monogamous, then you need to know that. [what I'd really like it to be able to knock some sense into him myself]

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
[and i have risked all]

i told him that was my fault too cause i freeze in situations like that sometimes... told him i don't know what i'm doing or what i want... he just laughed at me and said, yes you do. go re read some of your erotica

people get hurt in relationships. that doesn't mean you never get involved with someone.

so talking to people today, and they're like yea. he likes you. he's just afraid you'll get attached and then he'll get attached and such stupid things. [isn't that the point?]

[live life for the moment... stop being afraid and indecisive. you'll never move on and grow otherwise.]

Everything is impossible for those who never try.

i just want to be the girl who makes him smile. i want to be the girl who does crazy things that are the good memories down the road. i want to make life enjoyable for him, without the bullshit his sleeping around causes. i want him to help me filter out the things that make him uncomfortable and frustrate him from the things people seem to love so much about me. i want to run my hands all over his body and make him believe someone loves him. i just want to be his...

I would say that your short/small slightly chuby hands could take on many tasks, but they can only take on what the mind will allow, I think your hands will tell you that you are ment for a life of slow contemplation, and that they are as soft as your heart, but all hands can be made strong, they seem short like all your relationsips but just wait when they trully conect with anothers length won't

because, i go around and hurt people, my name [Those who have known my touch feel the poison, and now I feel it too] holds true, i hurt them, and never when my brilliant mind works can I seem to truly help a freekin soul

[whats so amazing about me?] -the way you seem to be able to help everyone else through all there freeking problems without hardly asking any thing in return

please don't change, please don't break, when the only thing that seems to work at all is you...

Alas my love you do me wrong
To cast me off discourteously;
And I have loved you oh so long
Delighting in your company.

you grew up way too fast, and now theres nothing to believe...

i think this song is amazing in the way it intertwines how i'm feeling and how i think you're feeling... this song has always been amazing...

And I’d give up forever to touch you
’cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that i’ll
Ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
’cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t
Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

pay attention! i love you and that counts for something. if something you do causes me to stop loving you... then you can believe you're playing host to some greater evil.

'Tis a far, far, better thing to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

[I wish i cared that much for someone right now. The saddest thing, is that I know I could. I hope he realises how lucky he is to have you. In any case you are a wonderful woman]

dance like nobody's watching, dream like you'll never dream again, live like you'll die tomorrow, and love like it's never going to hurt...

people always asked why i started from the end and worked backwards. the answer is simple, i couldn't understand the beginning until i had reached the end.

I have walked through many lives, some of them my own, and I am not who I was.

don't push me away. i've realized that nothing ever lasts. take the moment while it's there and keep the memories, the good and the bad. you're too important to leave dying on the road.

i won't ever leave you.

11:28 p.m. - 2004-07-22

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