obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- solitude in painting so thanks to the wonderful ian i have a half assed way around the firewall at school (it doesn't support javascript... so i can't log in to anything), so i printed the last six months of my dairy yesterday. thats binder number four. this is also my 2 year anniversary on diaryland. 2 whole years of my life are chronicled online here. thats crazy shit. happy anniversary to me, i suppose. sorry for my lack of enthusiasm, i seem to be drained both physically and emotionally. it's definitely been a day today. up at 7 to get ready for school. go to class. run around (literally) at lunch, find a graham, bring him to tanyas apartment. go back to class, late. pretend to not have my clothes. skip on the better part of that class. don't achieve much in programming. leave early. go to tans and spend hours painting. (punctuated by waiting for people at timmys and going out for supper... thank you tans dad!) but hours painting nonetheless. i fucking have paint on my favorite shirt. now i'm babysitting. i took advantage of being given the job of painting the bathroom to slowly sink into the mood i'm in now. i'm worried about my firenship with graham. i'm worried he finds me annoying and doesn't want me around. i'm worried that as much as he throws comments back at me that they're getting to him. i feel unappreciated. i think he still thinks i'm completely intruigued by him... which i am... but not the way i was. (note to self.... horrible pattern i've been falling into with this caring too much for a guy.. its destructive) ... it makes me sad. i think i hurt our friendship and it makes me feel dead inside. i want him to realize that as much as the logic between us is mainly based around our comments to each other about our physical past and his sexuality... that i really do appreciate him as a friend. and as an important one. halloween means it been a year since he really walked into my life. or rather... i charmed him and we were thrown onto the mountainous path that has been our friendship. and it means alot to me, really. i just.. i don't know. my whole being feels weighted down. and i don't like it. i hate how one day i'm over the top unusually happy, and the next i'm completely down like this. yea, yesterday i was actually bouncing. it was commented on twice today... the fact that i almost always wear black. 'gothica' said graham. esh. for whatever reason his comments hurt today. maybe thats why i shut myself into the solitude that was my bathroom to paint. i really feel rather dead. and i'd like to update about my major artworks, but really really don't have the energy. so... i bid thee adieu. 9:16 p.m. - 2004-10-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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