obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so this is the deal a blank space on the screen. what to write. i could write about the ridiculous situation i was informed about a few days ago. between the one i've been so interested in as of late and one that never fails to be of interest, and a great friend who brings me cakes when i'm sick. but to go into the details is long and lengthy and not something i should be sharing, i suppose. but i can share the general theory and how it relates to me. (side note... my space bar is being ridiculous) grahams always told me the reason he won't actually date me is cause he doesn't fuck friends. he finds it too weird and much prefers the idea that ifhe captivates an aquaintances attention, he can take them home. as has happened many times. i was that. so it annoyed me. but i figured i'd accept it. the same day he told me this exact same point again... he seriously attempted to get something going with a mutual friend of ours. shewas appalled... and creeped out... and asked him if he realized the position he'd put her in with me. 'how am i ever supposed to look at kay again??' he didn't answer her. she thinks i hate her. for graham. and the 3rd individual involved in the equation. as i've told her. i'm upset with the situation.... but with her... no. then i talk to a mutal friend of grahams and mine. who is brilliant at stringing things and conversations together. and he says...that the real reason he won't date me is cause he figures he's 'above' me, somehow. either through something i said... or did... or my appearance... or maybe some fucked up combination of it all. doesn't really matter. the thoughts still there. which is ridiculous. we're on the same level. stupid graham. whatever though. i'm still his friend. so yea. thats the graham thing. he'll clue in one day. but the interesting thing is... that i seem to have hit a different mentality. normally... once someone hurts me and i don't want to think about them anymore i'll find myself suddenly inclined to someone else. but it hasn;t happened. there's just a blank space. there is no wanting or thinking of anyone else. sure, the random vague image pops up. but theres no one actually there. it's amazing. almost liberating, i suppose. almost. i still crave a relationship for the security it yields briefly. i feel better about myself, about life when theres someone i can think about, and show i'm thinking about. but theres no one in that space. i wonder if it'll last long. and what the end result will be. 10:25 p.m. - 2004-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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