obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am jacks all consuming uncertainty i don't know how to start this other than the phrase that keeps running through my head over and over again..... i am jacks all consuming uncertainty. thats got to be the best way to describe the feeling thats just been threatening to overwhelm me. and i don't like it. i feel so helpless. theres been a few nights where i'll take more pain killers than strictly necessary to feel better about... anything. and i'll curl up under my bed and hope for oblivion, even though i know it's only a matter of hours before i once again have to get up. or i'll just fall to the floor and not move, lacking the will to. eventually i pull myself up onto my bed and curl up against the wall. i've hit a slump. but kay, where does 'i am jacks all consuming uncertainty' come into the picture? ah. well i believe thats what my problem is. i'm uncertain and confused about too much. about me, mentally and physically. about friends, and people i want to be more than friends. about life. it's all thoughts i've been sitting on for forever. but everytime they seem to make sense and i think i've finally got my thoughts together enough that i could talk to someone.. anyone about it all... the clarity suddenly eludes me. and i'm left not sure how to explain myself anymore. i'm tired of not understanding things that are so prominent in my life. i find out saturday that my index cards haven't yet been read. he told me himself, at a party. mentioned that he hadn't yet gotten around to picking them up and reading them. this unsettles me... because i was much happier thinking that he'd read them while i was gone. now i'm here. now he doesn't have time to think about them. however, it was a good day in the sense that i got to talk to him after 3 weeks of non communication. and i still find myself as captivated with him as i was before. i think i wouldn't have really minded if for some reason i wasn't. because i get this sense of despair about the whole situation... i mean... i HOPE the cards get to him. i hope that it changes things between us for the better. but i'm really afraid it won't. i'm kind of waiting around for him i suppose. because for some reason i haven't automatically shifted who takes up all my thought space. kind of intruigues me, cause it's the first time thats happened. so i'm just rolling with it... but it's taxing on me. i close my eyes and he's there, i feel the hug he gave me the other night... that somehow said so much it caught me off guard. i wonder what he's thinking. and then i feel like such a fool for the whole situation. and once that thought crosses my mind i feel the humiliation of our run ins burn again. thats a huge part of the uncertainty. how i don't understand my body yet. i don't know how to react or why i'm getting nothing out of whatever happens. i just don't get it. and yet even though i know this... i still want him. seriously. i see him and i just want to touch him. i've never enjoyed kissing anyone... never got what was so great about it... and yet i want to kiss him. (don't laugh at me teddy.) it's confusing and the end result is horribly humiliating situations. although later they turn into good natured remarks between the two of us... makes for some really funny inside jokes. but i'm tired of that. i think it's my lack of self esteem... how i think of my body... and the fact that i think too much. not a great combination. anyways. i'm still not entirely sure how to get those thoughts across to anyone. in conclusion: i'm frustrated with my mind and my body and i don't know what to do. and i suddenly just lost any subsequent thoughts i may have had when i started this. 7:32 p.m. - 2004-08-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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