obsidianblaq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tarot cards and such Allllllrighty then. I’m back. And with so many thoughts running through my head I had to count sheep for the first time in my life last night to divert my thoughts. I got to two hundred and fifty something before I blanked out. Thankfully, it worked, and I had no dreams last night, just a blessed oblivion. For a few days I was seriously afraid I was moving 5 hours away to a tiny town. That’s why I left… my parents up and decided we were going to visit the family we know up there, with the ulterior motive of looking into buying the beausejour, a local lodge/bar/motel. The place holds value for my dad, seeing as he spent his summers there as a young man. He’s tired of the career he’s in and looking for a change… buying the beau and turning it into a family business, bringing it back to life was that change. So I was afraid. Like I’ve said before, on one hand I want to say fuck you all and just leave, start again, but on the other hand, I love it here so much. There’s so many things and people I would miss. I had to leave and go for a bike ride when my parents told me we were probably buying it cause I couldn’t stop the tears. I had convinced myself I would roll with whatever I was presented. However, the current owner of the beau thinks he has an 800 thousand dollar business (which he doesn’t). that’s more than twice what my dad would be willing to pay. So I get to stay. For now, anyways. The latest prospect is loon lake lodge which is for sale. Second of all, I worry about friends, of course. It’s like everyone around me is having issues. And being the person I am… they all turn to me. I hear so many things. I hear about problems with step parents. I hear problems about boyfriends and loss of a sense of self. I hear problems about the future next week, and 8 months down the road. I hear stories about the past. And I take it all in stride. A good friend once told me I was amazing. ‘how can you think I’m amazing?’ I asked. “the way you seem to be able to help everyone else through all there freeking problems without hardly asking any thing in return” was his answer. And I suppose it’s true. It sends the mind on a trip though. But I try my best. Like finding glow in the dark spongebob bandaids and getting them for nomey, because bandaids fix everything, and she’s obsessed with spongebob and glow in the dark. I do try. Then there’s tarot cards. I don’t know why they insist on never telling me anything good about guys. But they’re amazingly accurate at describing the current situations. Which gives me the grim belief that what they say about the future is likely the truth. Sigh. I asked mandy to do me a tarot reading. ‘tell me something about graham’ I said. No details about what I’ve been thinking, just tell me something. The cards gave me two courses of action. The first course: leave it be. Forget about the major crushage. He is everything you want right now, everything you love, but he’s changing, and after the change, he may not be what you want anymore. Leave it alone now and maybe in the future there’ll be something. I’ve told no one about how I’ve realized I love the guy. It was almost a sad realization, too, cause I know that something about me doesn’t work in his world, and he means so much to me, but he cares about me too much as a friend to do anything more. And the cards picked up on this, though my reader had no clue about the situation. She doesn’t even know him. The second course of action: keep going as things are, and it may get to a point where we can’t even be friends anymore. Fuck. It’s so true, too. Tanya was there, and she was just kind of sitting there. ‘it describes you two to a tee.’ She says. Her who knows everything there is to know about our relationship/friendship. So I have to leave it alone. Live with my love of the guy twisting in my heart. We have a good friendship though, and I wouldn’t want to lose that for anything. Maybe he will change. And with that change the emotions he inspires will fade. So I can hope, anyways. The cards also tell me that I’ll be able to move on from bullshit, again. More with the moving on, getting a change, becoming happier. All in the prospective going away to college. For chrissake this is 2 years away. Moving on, finding someone, getting over the bullshit of guys. “so essentially, I’m going to move out, go to college, become a lesbian and be happy then?” ha. Yea. The more I think about it the more appealing it seems. Fuck guys. Just become a lesbian. I wonder if any of the bullshit would go away. I’ve already decided I’m a would be bi. Meaning…. Not yet, but if the opportunity presented itself. Gah. My msn name at the moment is “kisses are overrated. Relationships suck. Gay people are amazing. And I love you.” Sums everything up right there… Bloody brilliant. 12:26 p.m. - 2004-07-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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